School is in full-swing and I'm already a bit overwhelmed with work. I had to get a new laptop yesterday because my old one started fucking up YET AGAIN. *grumble* Now I'm the proud owner of a MacBook Pro, which seems to be running peachy-keen so far. Plus, the awesomeness of a free iPod Touch and an HP printer just adds to my growing appreciation for Apple products.
I've been keeping in contact with my lovely, though I've been a bit worried about his stress levels lately. I only wish I could hold him and tell him that everything will calm down eventually and he'll be happy. I hate that I can't see those wonderfully blue eyes of his, that I can't feel his arms around me, and his voice in my ear. December is something that I long for with every fibre of my being--to be able to do thing like go to the movies together, to be able to feel his kisses once more.
Every night I dream about him... There's nothing in this world that I would want to dream more of.
Well, I'm nervous as all Hell about starting school again this semester. It's really no surprise--I almost always have some sort of panic-attack right before the beginning of a new semester.
The prospect of social interaction and academic success always frightens the fuck out of me. I constantly toy around with balancing each, but, in the end, it always seems like I sacrifice one for the other. Plus there's the whole living with other people who I don't know thing... that's quite stressful and makes me skittish and shy.
I miss Dante. It's not so much that I can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe without him, but rather that I wish I could share so many experiences with him. December can't come any quicker. I'm just glad we have the ability to talk for hours upon hours on the phone and it seems like he never left...
In the meantime, I have to raise my GPA. It's not terrible--still above a 3.0, but I want to do better and I know that I'm capable. Last semester was a disaster both emotionally and academically for my life at Southern. This semester, I foresee that my Research course for my Honors thesis may provide some difficulty. Grr. Research. Grr. Thesis.
I really need to write this semester. Poetry, short stories... everything. I've been so dreadfully lazy all summer... writing journal entries in my paper-journal rather than exercising my creative talents. GUH. Bad Robin! Writer's block seems to be chronic--I have to find some interesting (and not cliched) prompts... *makes mental note*
Also, Dante has decided to issue me the challenge of writing more fiction as opposed to straying close to my poetic niche. I have accepted his challenge--but, I'm faced with a dilemma... What should I write about? Need ideas!
Well, I've rambled on for too long.
I'm beginning to wonder just how forgettable I really am. Seeing that I've heard from absolutely no one from Southern this entire summer--I'm getting the feeling that my presence isn't really wanted. Of course, this does absolute wonders for my self-esteem. So, here I am, in a familiar position, wondering just who my friends are, wondering what faults I have, and wondering why I even bother.
Try as I may to be cordial, caring, loving, funny... the majority of the people I count as my 'friends' rarely see me as such. So, I try to grasp at the association, I try to show them just how entertaining or caring I can be... but, really, it's fruitless. Humanity never ceases to disgust me with its basis in selfishness. Try as I may to be selfless, to be there for others... when I need friends the most... I always seem to come up short. Is it me? Am I flawed in ways that I'm completely and utterly repulsive?
In the end I can't even begin to get angry at other people... only at myself. I don't know what it is about me that drives those I care about away. I don't know what I can do to change it. All I want in this world is what anybody else would want--to feel loved. But, in the end, I suppose the only person one can really begin to rely on is one's self.
I have no idea where or who I am going to hang out with once school starts. I know that I have Robert--who has proven to me, time and time again, that he's a true friend. I am grateful to have one person like that. This isn't to say that other people in my life haven't also shone--my friend Kim from home has helped me through all of the tears this summer has brought... and Dante, well, he continues to be the greatest man I have ever met, and every hour that goes by only proves to strengthen my love for him.
But, the majority of the people at Southern have seemingly disappeared. Where to, I haven't a clue. I suppose they may pop out of the woodwork on the first days of school...but until then, I'm really not expecting much.
He's leaving. He's leaving and my world can't help but seem a bit broken. Words can't truly express how much I love him--he's the only person that I've ever felt 100% comfortable with. I've shared every thought, hope, and dream with him and I am damned if I'm going to let something as superficial as distance separate us.
Still, I mourn that I'll no longer be able to see him every weekend. To be able to fall asleep in his arms, to kiss him and bask in the never ending blue of his eyes, to let him borrow all of the books I want him to read and to watch his quirky movies with him. I know that I'll make more memories with him... As long as he wants me, I'll be his.
Life really needs to start getting interesting, pronto. This whole unemployment thing sucks--mainly because: a) no money sources (besides the parents) and b) my mind needs serious occupation in order to deter my obsessions. School is most definitely a welcome alternative---I get to not only learn things, but interact socially with people outside of my immediate family and live elsewhere! HUZZAH. Now, gimme September 1st.
I've been reading voraciously this summer; however, I can't help but feel restless while in the middle of a novel. Itching for something else to do. Guh, plus, I need to write. Bad, lazy English major am I.
Loneliness spinning through my brain, wracking my body and devouring. At times I feel utterly and completely lost admist a crowd of indidviduals who couldn't care less. Other times, those who I seem to get close to just end up leaving--either in the literal or figurative sense. I don't even know who I should allow myself to get close to, to trust, to cherish.
I can already tell that the reason I'm writing this is because I stupidly forgot to take my medication this morning, but, whatever. I think I just need to let this out. I've been incredibly frustrated and lonely lately--constantly on the verge of tears or just wishing I had someone near me, to take my mind off of some of the less than wonderful circumstances that continue to arise in my life.
I wish I didn't care so much about people--I wish I could just easily accept that people will waltz in and out of my life. But I can't. I go on, loving, caring, trusting in people who may or may not disappear. In the end, my heart always suffers for it. I'm better than I used to be--I can accept, for instance, that some people are just assholes and better left forgotten. But to the others, I still wonder why things happened to separate us. If I've gotten to know someone, if I've cared for someone--I never forget them, never stop wondering if they've forgotten me...
It's probably some strange exercise in self-loathing that I even bother myself with these thoughts. I just want to know who will remember me. In my darkest of moods, I often think I'm completely forgettable--that there's nothing about me that stnads out from the masses. As much as I try to be unique, to be an individual, a visionary, someone special in the end, I'm just another grey indistinct mass of molecules. *sigh* Whatever.
As the subject said, excuse this emo rant. I'll be better as soon as I have some human contact other than my immediate family.
When all the tears
have been desiccated
and my hands remain unheld,
I will still love you.
When clouds of cataracts
obscure these eyes
I'll still remember
days when we touched
so sweetly, butterfly wings
lips brushing mine, our
love still hangs in the air
of cool nights and summer days.
I'm tired of burning thoughts. So tired of feeling inadequate in whatever I try to accomplish. I need to start seriously sticking to my goals, my plans. I need to make myself useful. Find some way to spend all this time without retreating back into the tick-tick-tick of my goddamn thoughts.
Ugh. Restlessness. I hate it. Hate, hate, hate.
So, every semester I go through the same fit of hyperventilating, all-nighter-pulling, ranting, raving nervousness. Every semester I pray to the academic gods that my GPA won't lower significantly, that the obligatory douche professor will suddenly have a change of heart and prance into the final with cupcakes and lollipops and announce to the class that we all have A's, that my research papers will write themselves, that I can dance and frolic through finals week without a careeee in the world.
Well, that's dreadfully unrealistic, isn't it? Truth is, out of all the weeks in a year, I feel the most out of whack during finals week. That, and dealing with other unsavory things such as family issues, friend issues and enemy issues. *looks around stealthily* *sigh*
When this semester is all over and done with I hope to relax a little before my parents poke and prod me to be productive. Also, I demand a manicure... it's the least I can do for my poor cuticles.
Though truth be told, I'm giddy that summer is coming up because there's so much to look forward to: Friends, the Boy, The Possibility of Excursions to The City, the new Dolls album...
Oh yes, giddiness indeed.