I'm in awe of hypocrisy. Completely in fucking awe.
In other news, I need to write something. Badly.
*pokes at her muse*
I don't wanna be Sylvia Plath.
I don't wanna be Ophelia.
I'm no Lady of Shalott
I'm not a girl anachronism
I don't wanna be an inconsolable wretch
a broken woman
a tragic figure
an overly medicated femme fatale
the tragic artist
the stereotypical writer
I want to crush all preconceived notions about me.
Set fire to all rumours. Destroy all doubt.
I'm not the girl I was 5 years ago.
I am not the girl I was 2 years ago.
I'm not the girl I was yesterday.
I want to take away all the sorrow from my being,
all the damage that others and myself have wrought.
I want to be confident.
I want to be new.
I want to show others that I am so much more than what they think of me.
That I can and will be happy.
That I -will- have a bright future ahead.
I want to be dreams realized
I want to be improved
I want to be the love in someone's eyes
I want to be the cause of joy.
I want to be me.
I'm an emotional whirlwind. Sometimes I wonder how/why people put up with me. ...I hate feeling this way. I hate doing this to people...seeming needy, clingy. Sometimes I wonder if I'm worth even being in the same presence as some of the amazing people I hang around with. I care so very deply for people and sometimes, in my darkest moments I wonder if they'd be better off without my presence. (That wasn't a suicidal gesture so don't freak.)
The worst thing is projecting to people that I don't trust them... or that I don't like them, or even that I'm someone who I'm not. I hate having mood-swings... I hate it that people come up to me some mornings and ask, "Feeling manic today?" (I'm NOT bipolar, for your information.) I hate going through periods where I can't allow myself to trust ANYONE...including myself. I hate that I feel so OFF sometimes... like I'm some discarded doll missing half an arm and a foot.
I want to be happy all of the time. Or at least most of the time. I want to throw away all of the nagging, inconsolable thoughts that drift into my mind. I'm tired of living such a dark, melancholy existance--never knowing when I'll reach another high point... or how long that will last.
I want to be worthy of other people's care for me. I want to be the best person I can be--a support system, a friend, a lover, a daughter, a sister...
I long for the closest thing to perfection.
What is your name?
How old are you?
When is your birthday?
Are you looking forward to it?
'cuz it's the 1st day of finals
Are you happy?
What makes you happiest?
Are you afraid of something?
Do you live alone, or with someone else?
I live with roommates at school.
Do you have any pets?
2 dogs, 1 cat.
What is your favorite cartoon?
I don't watch cartoons. >_>
Have you ever hit a deer?
Do you drink?
On VERY rare occasions.
Do you prefer beer or liquor?
What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink?
What kind of cell phone do you have?
Do you like it?
What is the funniest word you ever heard?
No effin' clue.
Do you hate it when people call you "dear"?
Not at all.
To whom have you sent the most text messages?
What did you do for new year's eve?
Hung out with my family.
were there lots of pictures?
What is your favorite movie?
I have many.
What is your favorite song?
what concerts do you want to see in 2008?
Do you have any tattoos?
What is your favorite place to chill out?
What is your favorite song to play on guitar hero?
I don't play Guitar Hero.
Do you work out?
Yeah, but i should do it more...
Do you wear any jewelry?
What is your favorite memory of the past couple of years?
What is your goal for the year?
Get my license, do well in school.
What do you think about when you first wake up?
What I haven't done.
Do you shower daily?
All of the time.
Have you ever eaten sushi?
Did you like it?
List three things you can't live without:
Love, Books, Intelligence
What is your best physical feature?
What is your middle name?
Do you get choked up during dramatic movies?
What is your biggest pet peeve?
have you ever liked someone that all of your friends hate?
Is there anything that you regret?
Do you want children?
2 or 3
Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
What is your favorite number?
What is your favorite sports team?
What is your most over-used phrase?
Is everything alright?
What do you not say enough?
You and your other half:
Did you get over your ex, or are you over him/her?
I'm extremely over him.
Are you currently with someone?
Do you love him/her?
Who said "I love you" first?
I think it was Dante.
Over the phone.
Would you date your ex again?
Not in a million years.
What is your longest relationship?
What is your most significant relationship?
What is the most romantic thing a significant other can do?
Write a poem, sing me a song, give me flowers for no reason.
Do you like pet names?
Do you have any?
I say hun, love, darling and baby a lot.
Is there anything that you won't tolerate in a relationship?
Cheating, Abuse, Neglect.
Do you believe in living together before engagement/marriage?
Where did you meet your significant other?
Have you ever broken up?
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Too many times.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
What is your significant other's birthday?
What is your anniversary?
Does this person know you better than anyone else?
He's getting there.
Is this person younger than you?
Where was your first date?
Just hanging out.
Would you marry this person?
Not right now. But eventually, yes, I would.
Are you happy with your sex life?
I haven't had sex so...
But I do like our make-out sessions enough.
who is "Your" band?
What is "Your" song?
Do you think you'll be together for a long time?
I hope so.
Do you lay in bed and cuddle a lot?
Where was the last place you went together?
NVCC to see his school's play.
Do you do a lot of surveys?
did you like this one?
It was alright.
1) Walking into a party, what's the first thing you notice?
2) Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
Absolutely. I'm an open book.
3) Who was the last person you ate with?
My auntie, my mumzies, my little cousin, and two of Leann's friends.
4) When is the last time you were truly happy with your life?
When I'm feeling loved.
5) Where was your default MySpace picture taken?
In my mom's car.
7) What did you last get upset about?
It doesn't really matter anymore.
8) What do you do when you've had a bad day?
Try to hang out with people to get my mind off of things.
9) Kiss on the first date?
It really depends, nothing more though.
10) When was the last time you showered ?
11) What do you think of the last person you talked to on the phone?
I love him.
12) Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
13) Do you believe exes can be 'just friends'?
Meh.. Not really.
14) When ordering sushi, what do you usually get?
Usually something containing either tuna or salmon.
15) Do you hate someone?
16) Are you different now than you were six months ago?
Oh, immensely different. I believe I'm a lot stronger/more stable then I was.
17) What is something you have realized recently?
How very, very much I'm grateful for his presence in my life.
18)What do you hear?
19) Are you too shy to tell people when you're developing feelings for them?
20) Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Oh probably, but really? Who cares.
21) Who was the last person you texted?
Dante, I believe. Or Robert.
22) Are looks important?
No, but they are a bonus.
23) Quick, say a verse from any song?
"If I cannot fly/Let me sing"
24) What are you going to do tonight?
25) Do you like anyone right now?
Oh, yes. <3
26) If you could pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you?
No. Maybe some aspects, but not all.
27) If someone did like you, how should they let you know?
Tell me. (Maybe kiss me)
28) Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
29) Do you cry easily?
Oh definitely. =(
30) Are you happier single or in a relationship?
In a relationship.. but i survive when I'm single.
31) What is bugging you right now?
32) Do you do selfish things?
34) Have you spent more time in your life in jail?
35) What person in your family are you the most like?
My mum and my aunt.
37) Have you ever put anything other than cheese in your grilled cheese?
40) What's something you wish you could understand better?
41) If someone doesn't like you, it's usually because?
I can be annoying/over-emotional.
42) Do you always get along with your siblings?
43) Would you rather be cheated with, or on?
Neither. Cheating is not an option.
45) What did you do two nights ago?
Went to see Dante's school's play.
47) Any friends you'd like to tell how much you appreciate them?
All of them! <3
48) Kissed someone in the last fourty eight hours?
Yep. On Friday! <3
49) What were you doing at midnight last night?
50) What are you doing right now?
Watching Sweeney, Thinking.
Why did you stop liking the last person you liked?
Before Dante? That would be John... and because I did. That's all anyone needs to know.
Have you ever been to California?
No. I'd like to though.
Are you good at Guitar Hero?
I've never played.
What is your car like?
How is life going for you right now?
It's going well in a few aspects not so well in some others.
Do you like American Idol?
Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
I don't keep secrets really. If people want to know something about me, I tell them.
Who was the last person to comment you?
I try not to have any. Life's too short.
What was the last reason you cried?
Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends?
Its weird, isn't it?
Meh, I never truly hate people.. so not really.
Do you own a pair of green pants?
Ew, God no.
How do you feel about piercings and tattoos?
Meh. Piercings are not for me. Tattoos are fine as long as they aren't excessive.
Do you believe that what goes around comes around?
Yes. Karma is a bitch.
What is your favorite fruit?
What is the last song to make you cry?
Hmm. Probably "Fidelity" or "Carbon Monoxide" by Regina Spektor. Also, I tend to emo-out to "Glass Slipper" by The Dresden Dolls.
Is your best friend pretty?
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yeah. I try not to though.
Do you trust people easily?
Where is one place you want to visit?
Ever felt that no one relates to you?
I have; but it's fruitless to continue wallowing like that. You end up isolating yourself more than helping.
Had plans and broke them?
I try not to.
Done anything illegal?
Are you a vegetarian?
No. I like animals and their tastiness. Mmm, dead things.
Who are you jealous of?
Meh. I try not to get jealous... It gets pretty messy when I do.
Are you a lover or a fighter?
Lover, but a passionate one at that. I'm not afraid to fight for what/who I love.
What do your best friends call you?
Robin, Mrs. Wimbleybottom, Dolores, Dearest Wimbley
What were you doing four hours ago?
Ever called 911?
No. *knocks on wood*
Have you ever crawled through a window?
Are you a morning person or a night person?
Morning. It's fun.
Whats the last thing you received and did not want?
Are you a forgiving person?
Sometimes to my own downfall.
Do you like beer?
Are you loud?
What are you listening to right now?
The highlight of your week?
Seeing the Boy on Friday.
Who was the last person you talked on the phone to?
What are your plans for tonight?
Meh, I dunno. I may chill with a couple of friends and watch a movie or two.
Where’s your top third friend right now?
On Myspace or Facebook? On Myspace: I have no clue where mah Stephi is! I misses herrrrrrr! ='( Facebook: I suppose Kim's at school.
Do people underestimate you?
On occasion, I'm sure. But I enjoy crushing people's preconcieved notions about me.
Who was the last person to smoke a cig in your presence?
Dunno. Rich, maybe? Maybe Jeff.
Are you taller than 5’6"?
Haha, no. I'm 5'2".
How much money did you put on that one?
What did you think of your last hug?
I think Tashi hugged me or CorpseMike. So I was either like, "ITSATASHI!" or "ITSACORPSEMIKE!"
I disgust myself at times. I really do. Try as I may to push it aside, I'm always left with a hint of self-loathing. It's probably (and by probably, I mean most definitely) part of the fact that I have absolutely no self-confidence. I hate that I feel the need to ask for everyone's reassurance about everything. I do want to be happy with myself... and, at times, I am. However, it needs to occur more often.
I probably need a hobby. Something to take up space in my brain so that I can stop over-analyzing myself and others. ...I miss singing. I used to sing all the time back in HS and whenever I would sing, it would help me feel a bit better. (Those who knew me in HS can attest to the fact that I was way more of an emotional wreck back then) There's something about song-lyrics that capture how I'm feeling at the moment... any moment really. Same with poetry...(though I need to stop reading so much Plath--it's not promoting mental health.)
I also miss drawing. So many people don't even realize that I used to want to be an artist. Frankly, that dream lasted through most of my childhood. I used to take private art lessons where I used to loathe drawing still-life after still-life, however, I adored drawing people. Now I've let my drawing go and my proportions are all screwy. I doodle...a lot.
Meh, I'll be fine. I've just gotta get myself out of this cycle and living in the present. I need a routine. A strict schedule to build my life around so my brain doesn't spaz the fuck out every time I have a moment to rest. I'm starting to think journaling again is good for me--it allows my brain to spew all over something that isn't another human being. (Though the leprechaun in the back of my skull whispers that it would be nice to have people respond every once in a while.) But I'm trying to tell him to STFU and go back to where ever he came from.
I love you all and, in the end, I'm trying to get better not just for myself, but for the people I care about. Many of you are just simply amazing individuals that I would absolutely hate to lose--especially if I knew it was partially my fault. I truly mean it. If I've let you into my life, if I've shared my mind, my words and my emotions with you, I love you. Some might say I trust others too easily, that I let myself get tossed about, used and thrown aside. If that's the case, so be it...at least I've had the chance to touch someone's existence. If only for a moment. I never forget about the friends I've made...even when they've forgotten about me.
I want to be a good person. I want to touch peoples' lives and not have them regret my presence. I want to be able to be an overwhelmingly compassionate individual without stepping on people's toes or making them feel worse. I want to help make people's lives a bit brighter, but I realize that I have to work on my own first.
Just remember, in the end, I still love every single one of you.
I need some more motivation. Something that's shiny that can give me a little bit more of a push to complete assignments in a timely fashion. Mrrgh. I'm so very lazy lately. Guhh. I annoy myself so much sometimes.
Not to mention, I've been a wee bit twitchy lately. Little things have been setting me off and causing me to become either a tch neurotic or a total raving bitch. So, apologies if I've offended anyone these past few days.
Last night I hung out with Robert at the biblioteca. We also talked about ghosts and stuffs outside of North. Apparently, he had no clue that it's haunted--which surprised me, I thought everyone on campus knew about North. That place gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Of course, when it comes to creepy dorm buildings completely surrounded by cemetaries, who wouldn't be creeped out? (Though, as an aside, I love walking through the cemetaries... I'm weird.)
AHHH. I need a new digital camera. ALAS, I have absolutely no cash-monies. I wanna be able to be a camera whore again! </whining> =P No, but honestly: I need a new camera.
Well, homework calls.
Why do/don’t you want to get married?
- I want to get married eventually because I think it'd be nice to have someone there for (in the hypothetical and idealistic view) the rest of my life. Plus, I want kids and I aint poppin' any out until there's a ring on mah finga.
What’s the lamest movie you’ve ever seen?
- Dunno. I've seen a lot o' lame movies.
How old do you wish you were?
- Meh. Don't care.
Do you know any foreign languages?
What was your favorite class in high school?
What’s your favorite pizza company?
- No clue.
What was your first job and for how long?
- Big Y Deli and 5 months of torture.
How long have you known your best friend?
- a year?
What do you like to do when you’re bored?
- Act like a spaz.
Would you carry somebody elses baby?
- Only if I'm married and financially stable.
What tv show did you watch the most when you were a kid?
- I don't remember.
What kind of car do you have?
- I'M AN AVID PEDESTRIAN! THAT'S RIGHT! LOOK AT ME ALL NON-CONFORMISTY WITH MY FEET! THAT I USE! TO TRANSPORT MYSELF FROM LOCATION TO LOCATION! MMMHMMM.
How do you think the world will end?
- Meh. Don't care. </nihilism>
What’s the first thing you’d buy if you won the lottery?
- A lot o' DVDs.
What college do you wish you could go to/went to?
- I'm here at Southern, but I wish I was going to Yale or NYU. *sigh*
What was the worst fashion statement you’ve ever made?
- Multicoloured pinstriped pants in HS. I loved those things.
Who’s your favorite eighties artist?
- No idea.
Who would you fight if you had the chance to right now?
- I'm a pacifist.
What historical figure would you want to be for the day?
- Hm. Anne Boleyn before the whole beheading thing. Or, perhaps, Empress Sissi of Austria... before the whole assassination thing.
What is your favorite game show or board game?
- Fuck that shit, yo.
What’s your favorite magazine?
When’s the last time you’ve been to the doctor and what for?
- Last Friday and to check to see if I had cancerrr.
What do you day dream about the most?
What’s the last song to get stuck in your head?
What’s your favorite kind of plant?
What kind of drugs have you tried?
- I'M DRUG-FREE! WOOOO.
What’s your favorite season?
What’s your favorite piece of clothing?
- Anything that's really pretty, preferibly flowing and uber-feminine.
What kind of underwear do you usually wear?
- bikini cut
What would be the perfect gift you could recieve from your bf/gf?
- Just for him to be here for a little while.
What kind of cell phone do you have?
- A Samsung.
What’s the longest amount of time you’ve slept?
- 12 hrs.
What food can you cook the best?
- ANYTHING MICROWAVEABLE. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. *dies*
What’s your favorite coffee beverage?
- I loathe coffee.
How old were you when you had your first serious bf/gf?
What do you think about pluto not being a planet anymore?
- It's a travesty and a waste of my brain.
Do you think that it’s ok to kill animals for sport?
What part of the newspaper do you read?
- Arts, World News, sometimes if I'm feeling particularly rotund the food/cooking session. mmmmmm.
Do you tip your waiters/waitress’ or deleverie people?
How many piercings have you had in your lifetime?
What country would you most like to visit?
- England. <3
What did you usually eat for lunch in high school?
- No idea.
Are you a vegetarian, and if you are, why did you make that choice?
- I LOVE EATING ANIMALS INCLUDING BABY ONES. MMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
What color are your bedroom walls?
What’s your favorite color to wear?
What facial feature creeps you out the most about someone?
Do you prefer long/short hair, and dark or light hair?
- shortish, dark.
What do you think about major news stations?
- They provide a vital, if not completely biased, service to the community.
What has been the best place you’ve ever visited?
- Florence, Italy. <333
Do you have any nervous habits?
- SHITTONS! WHEEE!
Do you smoke cigarettes?
- Ew. No.
What’s the dumbest situation you’ve ever been in?
- No idea.
What’s your favorite TV channel?
- History channel, Travel channel, TLC (IF ONLY FOR LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD. I <3 THE MIDGET-SHENANIGANS!) and Discovery.
What was your favorite pair of shoes as a kid?
- Pshh, hell if I know.
I haven't written in here in aggggggeeeeeesssss. Things have beenh hectic as fuck lately... schoolwork taking up 55% of my time, boyfriend, BFFLZ-TYME!!1, and sleep providing the other portion. Robin is a neurotic mess that should learn to manage her time better, hahahahahahahahaa... Too bad it's prolly never going to happen!
I've got two things to do tonight which completely crosses out Anime Club tonight. Mrrgh. I just hope i have the energy to complete stuff tonight and don't end up falling asleep like I always do. Hrmph. *smacks self* MOTIVATION! PERFECTION! MAKING GOALS INTO REALITY! </pep>
The only things that keep me sane nowadays are human contact, 17th century lit, and poetry. Thank God I'm done with Math after this semester... that way I'll actually have time for some Lit. courses... Grr. *glares at Southern*
I'm with Bobbyyyyy right now and he's being all quiet and scaring me. I don't trust him when he's quiet... I know he's plotting something. EVILEVILEVIL!! jfdk hgkjdfhsk.
*whacks head against wall repeatedly* I. NEED. THIS. SEMESTER. OVER.